You Don't Look Like.....

One of the joys of aging in this modern society is that change is inevitable.  We age, our experiences change us and who you look at now, might not be the same person you met five years ago. In fact you might not look like the person people think you are.

 

"Can you pinch an inch?"

Let's just begin with our bodies, we get fat, we get thin, we grow muscles, we get flabby again. I sometimes do this in a week, depending on my mood.  Of course I really mean over time, so like my twenties were yo-yo between fat and thin, but I was definitely "soft" during those years. Thirties were muscles, now my forties I'm more "toned".   But whatever the case, comments like "you don't look like you weigh 200lbs." don't help. I do weigh 200lbs, I have since I was 30. I'm also a 32 inch waist...I was a 36 inch waist in High School.  Notice that I say "I am a 32 inch waist" not "I have a 32 inch waist". Because in America we are our waist size.

 

"You don't look like a diabetic." said the nurse, MD, technician. (translation: You are not fat.)

 

So when my diabetes got out of control (despite regular exercise and a decent diet) I got no sympathy. More than one nurse would say:  "You don't look like a diabetic", "You don't look like you weight 200lbs" "OMG, you're a 32 waist, I don't believe you." The last one was by a store clerk.....she was shocked when the 32 inch 501's made me look hot....bitch....I bought them just to spite her.   So NO, I don't look like a diabetic, I am not some pathetic FAT person.  However, because karma is a bitch she gave me a FAT person's disease.

 

"You don't look Honduran." said the lawyer.



"Tu eres tira flecha!" said the Cuban.

I was serving jury duty and during the void dire (jury selection), the question of whether anybody was Honduran came up. I proudly announced my heritage and birthplace. "But you don't look Honduran."  What, I don't look Mayan? Are all Latinos brown skinned people of indigenous descent? Miss Legally Blond, do you think less of me, why the surprised face and skepticism? Don't just put me in the "white juror" category because of my Anglo first and last name.  Hello, Latinos come in all colors, shapes and forms, even Honduran ones. As a matter of fact I ate a pupusa just last night.

 

 

 

"You don't look 45." say a lot of people younger than 45.

 

I guess in this youth directed culture that is a compliment. I will take it that way. Thanks to the cute 20something waiter that handed me his number the other night, in front of other 20 somethings.  However my youthful, non-botoxed appearance does not deny my experience as a man. I am a parent, I am a professional, I am one HOT DADDY.  I have lived and am not a "boy". 

Tom Ford, hot, mature and "a gay"

 

 

"You don't look like a gay" said the client.

 

Well I'm not sure the use of the article "a" before the word gay is proper usage....because I'm not sure if she had a particular gay in mind.  I mean if she meant Rupaul, no I don't look like "a gay" but if she meant Tom Ford, I'd want to be "a gay."  The fact is I am "a gay" in fact to my friends and family I'd like be THE GAY.  I'd have no problem if my name, like Rupaul's, would be synonymous with gays everywhere.  Things are not what they seem folks.....

 

 

 

"You'd better work....bitch"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Diabetes Class

Hello:

Ah, the joys of diabetes! Who knew that having a potentially fatal disease could have so many side benefits for a gay man. I mean Viagra, and induced rapid weight loss by just eating a sugary food for a day or two. Three days of M&Ms and my abs are cut for a circuit party. First, I want to say that I'm not a typical diabetc. That is to say if the typical diabetics are the people in my diabetes class. As part of my new diagnosis I was sent to a series of classes of how to manage my new disease!

I was quite distressed about my new diagnosis. I found little compassion from anyone in the medical field. There was this nonchalance about the whole thing. Like a I was a lung cancer patient who refused to quit smoking. "Its your fault" I read in thier eyes, "you shouldn't have eaten those sugary orange slices". In fact I was eating those with an Orange Fanta just minutes before I had my blood sugar measured. My blood sugar: 1000+. Ten times the normal level.

So I went to the class. I was running late and I passed a rotund woman struggling up the stairs. I got into the class and looked at my classmates. Before I tell you about them let me describe myself: I'm 5'11, 210lbs, 32waist, 36 chest. I'm fit and trim. I workout a lot, I like what I see in the mirror....naked. So here I go into this class and I look at the students. Fatty McFatfat, Rotunda and the circus fat man were seated around the room. I asked timidly: "is this the obesity class?" Angry looks shot at me thenI realized I was in the right place. Just then, the plus size woman I passed from outside came in huffing and puffing, she was sweating and looked like she had just run a mile. Genuinely concerned, the diabetic nurse asked if she needed water or CPR.

"I'm sorry I'm late" she said in a sort of guttural wheeze. "I had to climb all those stairs"

There were four stairs.

The trim, pert diabetes instructor began her lecture. She emptied out her bag which was full of fake food. The same kind of food that comes with that child sized Barbie Kitchen I never got. I watched the others drool over the rubber food. I could swear they were salivating and licking thier chops at a simulated peice of cake. The instructor discussed exercise and diet, yeah whatever, I'm a health instructor tell me something I wasn't doing or didn't already know. I was angry. I work really hard to keep in shape. I look good, naked even! Now diabetes is making me sit in a class full of hungry fat people. I was thinking: diabetes sucks, I want some candy.

I never returned to that class. Maybe there's a diabetic class for fabulous people.

Today's Hiaku:

Candy is poison

You'll go blind, lose a toe

Diabetes sucks