Monday, November 10, 2014

Anger Management

From Here
At some point in your life you realize that you have issues. Hopefully not a whole lot of issues, but at least a few that might make you lose an hour or two of sleep here and there or might make you want to buy a gun and run around naked pointing it at people and asking the question "who's laughing now?"  However at this age your issues tend to be in the "losing sleep" category not in the "naked gun toting" category.  

I came to the realization that maybe I should see a therapist because I was pissed all the time. So pissed that I was physically tired, exhausted, even depressed a little. Don't get me wrong, I've go a lot reasons to be pissed off, they may be small and insignificant, but really they add up. For example yesterday I saw a Russian tourist opening all the jars at Costco.....which pissed me off because A. they were Russian and I watched Red Dawn last week (the original) and they invaded Ukraine. Ugh,,,,ruined my whole day. If fact, there are a lot of shenanigans that go on at Costco, like line cutters,  cart thieves (I actually had someone try to take my cart),  last sample food item grabbers (one per customer please)....I could go on and on. 

So even a simple visit to a big box warehouse store is fraught with minefields that can set me off. Last month I decided to go into therapy and stop being pissed.  So the first thing I learned is that I don't have an anger management issue. Why?: because the court did not order me to be there. Which is great, because I have a fascination with mug shots ( you can find them online and post comments on them) and I worry that mine might make me look bad. I do have a mugshot out there, but it was done in the 80's so fortunately it hasn't made it online. but if you find it here. 

So I love my therapist, she's  this very cool lesbian, which was a deliberate choice. I have issues with women, straight men, and I'd try to hard too impress a gay there's not a lot of baggage tied up with a lesbian therapist.  I like her because she yells affirmations at me like "you need to deal with your shit" and  "stop fooling yourself". Which is what I need, because affirmations are always best delivered by an tough lesbian than some milquetoast gay man who shuts down when I don't use "my indoor voice".  Kind of like affirmations from my favorite Facebook Page: Skeletor is Love.

So I've learned I only have two emotions: happiness and pissed off.  I'm not saying that I'm not happy", but apparently there are a whole bunch of emotions that I could be feeling other than "pissed off" I'm trying to put words to them other than murderous, histrionic, and "get the fuck away from me".  I'm looking for more subtle grades of emotions, so I can express "fuck you" in a calm and sensible "adult" manner.  

So change is in the air folks.  Soon all my interactions will be calm and measured. I will not give into anger. I'll breezily walk by the whiny New York hipster, complaining that Miami is not "New York with better weather." I'll ignore the brickbats thrown at me by family and strangers alike. I will breathe, release and smile.  I will get a prescription for Xanax.  No more anger. No more anger. rinse, repeat.

To here......