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Monday, June 7, 2010

11 Questions You Don't ask Gay Men

I think as "the Gays" become more mainstream, non-gays are feeling emboldened to ask questions they might not otherwise ask. The Gays, who initially were pleased by this sudden curiosity in gay-subculture seemed happy to just "let it all hang out"(I'm just speaking metaphorically, of course). The usual culprits asking these questions are stylish women who want "a gay" to complete an image. Or it is a blossoming homosexual asking. Of course rules of disclosure have changed in our era of shake and bake friendships and faux intimacy. Women (and some straight men) find it titillating to know about the mechanics, quantity and quality of the personal lives of gay men.

In more innocent times (the 80's, say). The Gay held a slightly more elevated stature than a maid. The florist, fashion designer, interior decorator, hair stylist all knew their place as passive listeners, as society confessionals but never disclosed any personal details about their life whatsoever beyond making things pretty. They were mere conduits for society gossip. The previous century's equivalent of Facebook.

Now, many women (and some straight men) are now fascinated with the intimate details of gay lives. Gay men are being asked questions that they themselves only figure out about each other when their pants are down and negotiating about who's gonna wear the condom. So I thought I'd put down a list of questions that you shouldn't ask a gay man if you're a woman and ESPECIALLY if you're a straight guy. Lesbians sometimes can get a pass.

1. How big is it? I have been asked this question by women on three occasions. I wonder if its some kind of trick that might work with straight guys. If you're a woman I am not going to show you my junk...hard, soft, cold, hot. Forget it, its off limits to you woman.

2.A You mean you've never been with a woman.....ever? Some gay men have, my husband has a son to prove it. What difference does it make? If a man says he's gay, in the present tense, he likes men, with penises, in his bed...tonight.

2.B If you haven't tried it how do you know? Yeah, I don't think I'd like vagina....most gays feel this way...its innate, instinctual, we just KNOW. Leave it alone already, your vagina is not going to be the one to change me.

3. Are you the man or the woman in bed? I am always a man. Gay men are always men, that NEVER EVER CHANGES. We love our masculinity and we love it in our partners. I could be crude....but being penetrated is not the same as being emasculated.

4. Does this dress make me look fat? No, it makes you look FABULOUS. That's why I picked it out for you.

5. Do you wear women's clothes? Is it Halloween? Is this a costume party? Gay men wear women's clothes for the laughs....the same reason straight men wear women's clothes. Its not a daily habit. (next column: ten questions you don't ask transvestites.)

6. Do you hate women? Yes, except you, because you're not like those other bitches. Just kidding...gay men dislike women about as much as straight men and other women do.

7. What's the deal with Gay men and Lesbians? Don't ask that question...because gay men tend not to see Lesbians. Which kinda pisses them off.

8. How many partners have you slept with? Don't ask a gay man this question because he really doesn't know or care. Virginity, purity, chastity are rarely adjectives ascribed to men. Gay men generally don't like to deal with virgins....way too complicated, takes too long to get them to relax. Any answer to this question is generally a lie, which is a good thing.

9. Are all gay men sluts? If given the option all MEN would be sluts. Gayness just makes slutty a viable lifestyle choice.

10. Does gay sex hurt? Not if you do it right.

11. Aren't you scared of getting AIDS? Yes. But discussing my community's greatest fear is none of your business. However, being gay is so much a part of who I am, of my core being, not even the threat of death would make me want to stop and change. I'd rather live with the fear of illness than give up my ability love and be happy with another man.