Monday, September 15, 2014

Faith, Less. Faith Lost. An apology to Coral Gables Congregational Church.

What my faith looks like today.

The Apology

I'd like state unequivocally that I am sorry. I do have a bad habit of trying to be truthful. It's hard and often I fail. I have to remember that my truth is not everyone's truth and that I am also a coward at times and hold back, until I just get so frustrated that I vent my truths like diarrhea all over the internet.  I'd like to apologize to all the "newly minted" pastors of Coral Gables Congregational Church.  I could have vented my frustration with each of you personally and instead of just sitting in the pew and smiling my fake smile, I could have shared my concern for you and for the church. At least you might have known you had at least one critic who felt that you had a bit to go before you "nailed it." Which I sincerely hope all of you do one day. I do want you to know that I tried to address this in committee and with church leaders but nobody really wanted to talk to me about it.

I apologize to my husband. Honey I'm sorry my actions caused you to suffer. If it had been different I would have taken  the heat for my actions. I deeply, deeply apologize for the pain that others inflicted on you on my behalf.  You are a gentleman and far more loving and Christian than those who claim to act in Christ's name. 

Losing My Faith on 9/11/2014

So I lost my faith last week. On Wednesday, September 11 to be exact.  It was on life support the week before, and thought my blogpost was a "cry for help" so to speak. I thought my church would say "hey, let's save his poor, scrawny faith, I mean he's on the internet, whining about it."  So the faith 911 went out and the associate pastors and senior pastor contacted me. One actually dropped everything a came and talked to me, let me vent, which was cool. I booked meetings with the other two pastors. This is where things started coming off the rails.  Well, I guess both of them were looking for contrition and a "take back". I didn't want to give a non-apology, apology, because I really do stand by my "truths." 

I promised that the conversations I had with them would remain confidential.  The talks I had with them were unproductive and I guess the hurt I caused blinded them to any explanation I had tried to put up. Which in all honesty was probably lame.  I'm saddened that being called "culturally insensitive" and "second rate" are accusations that warranted the ensuing sturm und drang.    At that point I seriously realized that pastors are really human and don't take criticism very well. My mistake, I had been blinded by my own weakening faith, and belief that these pastor people were something stronger, with god on their side and all. 
What fun, a conga line of unicorns!

A Faith Trampled to death to the tune of Miami Sound Machine's "Conga".

I look at the corpse of my faith and it smells. Tuesday night I had this nightmare that my faith was bound and being stomped on by a conga line of church council members. They were dancing to some stupid psuedo-latin tune played by that has-been band Miami Sound Machine. Since then I've actually gotten nauseous when I hear them on the radio.  I can't figure it out, but suddenly I absolutely hate that band with a passion.


So, yeah I'm leaving. I'm leaving on advice of friends and family. Every Sunday the pastors state the following: "No matter where you are in your faith journey, you are welcome here."  "You don't need to check your mind at the door."  "We are an Open and Affirming Church".   Sadly, those sentiments, god,  and  belief in unicorns are all about the same to me.