Miami Lesbians.........No Degree of Separation.

Being the gay man about town, some people ask me about what's up for lesbians in Miami. To be honest I have no real idea what lesbians really do. I put down my own observations (based on limited personal experiences). 

"Why did you put her in my lane!?!" the athletic lesbian swimmer said to me, "Don't you know she's my girlfriend's ex!?!" I should have consulted the Miami Lesbian Ex-girlfriend chart before I put two sisters of sappho in the same lane together.    Yes, I should have known, because in Miami there are only about 30 lesbians altogether, maybe there are 50, but I'm sure there are less than 75. Also, at some point they were all girlfriends with one another. No, not "we went out on a few dates," not "yeah, we met at a party and hooked up."  No, a full fledged 3 week relationship that included countless hours on the phone, texting and processing with each other. In each case it ended badly and all that was left was bitterness and "now she's just somebody that I used to know."

I am no expert on the state of sapphic affairs in this urban paradise, but I know a few girls who wear sensible shoes in my town and I think Miami offers a different take on girls who like girls.  It's not quite what you'd expect.  Plus there are some lesbian poseurs in Miami which often fool you into thinking there are more grrrls out there than there really are. So I thought I'd drop a few hints how to separate the women from the womyn. 

1. First, all Miami lesbians know each other. If you want to discreetly find out if a local girl is a lesbian, just drop the name of another lesbian and ask her if she dated her.  Start simple: "Do you know Ingrid or Belkys?" If the answer is "yes" she's a lesbian. 

2. Yoga is a lesbo magnet. More than four classes a week: Lesbian. Unclogging chakras is just a euphemism for cunnilingus.

3. Latina lesbians are fierce, no really they're fierce, they will cut you. Just ask Ingrid from question one.

4. There's a joke in the lesbian community: how many break-ups does it take a lesbian to move on? Answer: move on? we're not done processing yet. 

5. Miami lesbians do not adhere to any particular lesbian uniform outside of the yoga studio.  They are lipstick, I've never seen any Miami lesbian in Birkenstocks or Doc Martens. 

6. The tragedy of the lesbian community in Miami is that there seems to be so few, and most them just blend in with the rest of us.  There doesn't seem to be enough to create a critical mass to maintain a club or gathering place where they can all meet....so they're left just dating "somebody that I used to know" that they met at a lesbian pot luck. 

Aquagirl: "who's gonna buy me a drink?"

7. Or girls can wait for the big once a year Aquagirl party week.  Womyn who love women come to Miami  from all over the world once a year for bacchanalia and portable relationships which can be processed via text and cell. You go grrrls!

Mostly lesbians just blend in. In Miami There are no lesbian ghettos, or even areas with a higher concentration of them.  I remember when my husband and I were raising our son in West Dade.  We were surrounded by many Lesbian moms. No one even noticed...but they always remembered the "gay dads".  In suburbia they are just another housefrau doing errands. Which is probably the way they want it. 

Please Don't Go!!! The Heartache of Being Miamian

People often tell me it's hard to make friends in Miami, I might tend to agree.  One of the greatest heartaches about living here is that people move.  So as a Miamians we tend to guard our hearts to the newcomers. You see the newbies, with their Spanish phrase books and their fresh Midwestern corn fed faces.  Agonizing at the Publix Deli and trying to order in English.  Only to have Spanish spit back at them at a rapid fire pace.

Rubia in a "baja y chupa"

You see them in gatherings in the break room, smiling in a clueless way as the girls laugh at the receptionist's Casual Friday outfit that includes skinny jeans and a "baja y chupa"*.   They grin politely after the business meeting is over and all of a sudden the English stops and the Spanish begins, feeling very, very left out. But over time they learn about "pastelitos" and the 3:00PM colada.  The Spanish chatter ceases to bother them and they even learn a few key phrases to drop to make their colleagues laugh.  They're beginning to settle in, maybe even like the exotic.

Of course, we all know as Miamians that fresh faces, and blue eyes are in short supply. So if the person is single....they fall in love with their first Latino...or Cuban.  The whirlwind passion, the great kisses, the great sex, the parents in Westchester....Miami bliss. At last the Miami honeymoon has begun. If you have blue(light) eyes you start getting introduced as "rubio" or "rubia" which literally means "blond".  

Then the heartbreak. He cheats, she cheats, he stops calling, she went to back to her ex named Jorge.  Then then that Midwesterner becomes bitter, and every word in Spanish reminds him or her about that hot Latin lover. The Publix deli lady rubs salt in the wound that they never really did understand a word of Spanish and then, fuck it. They leave Miami.  

The other scenario is that they can't find a job because they can't speak Spanish, regardless of superior educational background or experience.   

Adios Miami!!! Goin' back to USA!

In either case we are left here, Miamians, as our friends leave broke or heartbroken, but more fabulous for the experience. 

Sorry guys, we'll miss you.  

* strapless halter top (literal translation: drop and suck)