WE ARE MARRIED!

27 years ago I was arrested for being gay. Not because I was having sex in public or being lewd or anything like that. I was in a bar, we were rounded up and put in a truck and booked on various charges. Mine was "battery" which means touching someone without their consent.  When I got to the booking person at the lock-up I was informed "pay the $1000 fine, or we will publish your name in the Tampa Tribune and St. Pete Times."  Me being me, I refused to pay the fine.  52 other guys did pay the fines. So the Tampa Police made $51,000 in four hours to herd people into a truck and book them on trumped up charges. 

Miami, Florida, 1996, I volunteered for SAVE Dade to fight to add sexual orientation to the County's anti-discrimination charter. 

It wasn't a chapel, but a Credit Union 

San Diego, California, 2006. My partner of five years says "meet me at the Credit Union on the corner, I need you to do something important."  I get to the Credit Union right before the close of business, we walk up to the teller and ask her to notarize our Domestic Partnership Papers. At the time in California, domestic partnerships were a "marriage equivalent".  I was allowed on my domestic partner's health insurance plan. 

Miami, Florida, 2007 I get hired by SAVE Dade to be their Field Director. Worked on campaign to fight Amendment 2 the "Marriage Amendment". 

Miami, 2007.  My  husband and I are redefined as "Domestic Partners" when we register as domestic partners in the County's "business bureau" not in the Marriage office.  Domestic Partnership is not recognized outside of Miami-Dade County.


San Diego 2008, I become LEGALLY MARRIED in the State of California. Marriage is not recognized anywhere but there. 

Miami, Florida 2008.  Obama elected and Amendment 2 passes. "Marriage or any equivalent thereof shall not be recognized"  My spouse and I are officially  un-domestically partnered.

Miami, Florida 2013. DOMA was struck down by the Supreme Court of the United States.  Family income goes up by $100 per month because we no longer have to pay taxes on benefits to spouse.  Marriage is recognized by Federal government, for all Federal benefits including Social Security.

Miami, Florida January 6th, 2015.  I AM LEGALLY MARRIED!  

State of Gayness in 2014

Based on personal experience, gay men execute weddings flawlessly. 

Well, it's time we look at the year in review and see what gayness 2014 looks like.  Pivotal changes that redefines gaydom as we know it. 

1. Gay Marriage: Well, many states, 25 to be exact, legalized gay marriage following the heels of the Supreme court decision. In total 35 states now allow for gays and lesbians the freedom to marry any person they choose.  Still there are 15 states to go. 

Yes, this is a "thing".

2. "Peak Beard" for straight men and gay men, 2014 was the year of "peak beard".  Facial hair has been exalted and hirsute men can rejoice.  A complete pendulum swing from shaven, boy look of the past and the future. 

"Excuse me, where is the restroom?"

3. Freedom to Gender Express yourself. Be a girl on the inside, be a boy on the outside or any combination thereof.  Gender Expression is now protected under the Miami-Dade Human Rights Ordinance. Despite the whole icky "bathroom rape" scenarios brought on by the religious right. I've used the ladies room plenty of times when the men's room was locked.

80's much?

4. "Shaven Pompadour" or the "reverse mullet" the new gay clone look for 2014.  The mullet is short on the sides, long on the top and back, The shaven pompadour is short on the sides and long on the top and in the front. Important to have one lock covering one's eye. Product is a must. 

5. Cross fit. Cult of fitness? I won't say too much about this, but it looks like a conspiracy between personal trainers, chiropractors and Lulu Lemon to make a LOT of money doing amazingly unsafe calisthenics. Not denying it works....especially if you believe that beauty is attained through pain and danger. Combined with power protein concoctions you're gonna look and feel great.

6. Ambiguously gay, gay ambiguity reigns in the millennial crowd. "Straight
Acting" to the front of the line please. No Fats, or Fems still a favorite GRNDR byline, especially among bottoms....self-hate much?

7. Truvada Whores.  Of course if you take a pill to prevent HIV.....you are a whore. If you wear a condom you are a.....saint?  Sex shamers demand to control your sex life, want to take away personal choices for preventing HIV.....for fear you might enjoy sex "guilt free".  What's wrong with a little condomless guilt free sex? Well, it could be like the 70's all over again....whores in bell bottoms? Well that would be bad, wouldn't it?

8. Gay Cruising....on the ship kind of cruising, not the Al Pacino "Cruising".   Whether you're doing the "SS Bathouse", "Loveboat" or with your aging mother
on Celebrity Cruises. Cruising(on ships) has taken the gays by storm. Even if you go on a "straight" cruise, there's always a "Friends of Dorothy" happy hour.  You can always find the gays at the martini bar or sauna if you don't know where to look. 

How romantic?

Faith, Less, Faith Lost: Fake People (Last in a series)

Who's the "real" Dad?

When my husband I were raising our son we often were referred to as the "gay" Dads.   Which is fine because I am proud to be both. What always amazed me was the curiosity that people had as for which one of us was the "real" parent.  Very often after we introduced ourselves people would make this remark.  Of course if there is a "real" parent, then by order of elimination there would have to be a "fake parent" as well. If there is a "fake" parent, does that mean they get a free pass from PTA? Does the "fake" parent just do the fun stuff regarding parenting like Christmas and Birthday cake? Are they exempt from having to sit at the pediatrician's office or worse, the principal?

I find this to be a recurring theme about gay "acceptance" as well. This idea of real and fake.  I mean in asking about relationships people commonly ask: "who is the woman in your relationship?"  Which of course implies that there needs to be some dynamic regarding penetration, dominance, and some other hetero-normative values. Of course gay culture doesn't diffuse these questions either because gay men (like some straight men) can take Halloween drag to extremes. Then of course are the gender-bending sensibilities that gay men embrace with gusto such as decorating, arts, fashion which until recently were strictly the domain of women and a few effete hetero men.

Those gay boys, so "plastic"

So that brings me to the idea that in general, society sees gay men to some degree as "fake" men. Too often gay men and their female allies address gay men as "boys" or "gay boys" regardless of age and accomplishment.  Too often people can't understand how homosexual men arrange their lives to suit their penises which is probably different for everyone else, I'm not sure.  What I am sure of is that outside of our professional endeavors we are often seen as a bit two dimensional, one of those dimensions being our sexuality the other being our "immaturity." I mean in America, work is work and you're usually judged on how much, or the quality of your work. I work in sales, I make quota, who cares who I sleep with, it's the one place where I'm not "fake". That is a huge advantage we have as Americans. If it's an issue for you, take it up with the Human Resources Dept.

I think where we are considered "fake" is in our new marriages. I remember when I was sixteen and got my new driver's license, my older brother said "what you think you can just take the car a drive around now?"  Yes, that's exactly what it meant. However in his eyes, I was still his little brother he had to drive around.  I think to some degree straight people might still have that attitude. "What, you've been legally married for six months and you think you know about marriage?" is an attitude I'm encountering. Granted we've been together for 19 years and raised a son but those years "in sin" don't count do they? I remember when my former church had a big "gay" wedding and a church member asked me when I would have a "real" wedding at the church? At that point I had been legally married for six years.

Earlier this month I decided to leave my "progressive" church, Coral Gables Congregational.  The Church Council decided the best course of action was to discuss with my husband, the church moderator, that he take away my internet privileges and take down my blog....without my consent. He was asked to "distance himself from me publicly but support me privately". Words like "proper contrition" and "denunciation"were suggested as possible measures. All this from a church that claims "An Extravagant Welcome." I have seen the emails. The senior pastor was copied on several days of emails, and even after my husband resigned as leader of the church, the demands continued.  At several points that week we asked ourselves if this would happen to a straight couple. I mean could a wife or husband in 21st century America really deny their spouse access to the internet or "distance themselves publicly, while supporting them privately". At this point I realized that to the heterosexual council members we were "fake" people.  That somehow we were not whole or real and our relationship and marriage were not real either. Or the council members who proposed this were just douche-bags which I feel is another, very real, possibility.

So, in conclusion. Gay men, don't sell yourselves short. Being called and calling each other "boy" is really demeaning on so many levels that if you think about it, should make you angry. It adds to our "fake" identity as men.  As for everyone else you might think what I have in terms of love and relationships as some kind of(fake) pale imitation of what you have. That gay men are somehow people with "special needs" who want coddling in some kind of "open and affirming" program.  May be, maybe not....but we're not fake. Our struggles are very real, and in a lot of ways, more "real" that what any straight relationships might go through.

Gays Abuzz...What a Difference A Week Makes... A $100 Difference!

So what was the hot topic at all the Fourth of July pool parties hosted by the homosexuals this weekend? Well, marriage of course. But not in the way you would think.  Being a blog about a "man of a certain age", men of a certain age were discussing the most exciting topic of all......financial benefits.

 

Yes, benefits. Not, where are you planning to get married, not choosing wedding planners or deciding on which state to get married. No, most of these men (and women)are partnered and at some point or another took a jaunt to New York, California or Iowa to get married in the last 10 years. Their immediate joy was that they are no longer taxed for extending insurance benefits to their spouses, which is actually $100 month added to our family budget. Yes, the Supreme Court's decision last week added $100 more dollars to my hubby's paycheck...this week. Who would of thought that a decision made last week would actually increase our household income by $1200 a year? That's several pairs of shoes over the course of a decade.....hmmmm.

 

Marriage = Mo' Money = Mo' Shoes

The excitement of extending social security survivor benefits, fewer inheritance taxes, common property, joint tax returns, immigration changes and the plethora of protections and benefits that are offered to married couples by the federal government are now extended to us as well, we think. Ah, bet there is the rub....we think. 

 

 The Supreme Court was clear that the states could decide to choose about marriage....but the Federal Government is already recognizing immigration status for LGBT Floridians with valid marriages from other states.  The logical conclusion would be if my marriage is recognized in a Federal Court (Immigration is Federal) then it should be the case for Social Security and the IRS.

That being said, the myriad of benefits extended to couples by the State of Florida will continue to be denied, most of them related to transfers of real estate, inheritance of real estate, hospital visitation, and certain types of adoptions are still  just out of reach for the LGBT community. Lawsuits are being filed, petitions are being signed and soon Gays and Lesbian couples will work for a more perfect union, both as a country and as married couples.

 

God Bless America!

 

 

Marriage Equality, I Am Boring At Last.

The Supreme Court's rulings today were momentous, stupendous, fantastic. 

 

When I was a little gay boy there was nobody like me. Not on TV, not in magazines, nowhere.  There were whispers of fairies and faggots directed at boys "who didn't fit in."   At first I was told I walked funny, so I stopped walking funny.  Then I was told I was a "pretty boy" so I stopped fussing with my appearance. I was told I had a "funny laugh" so I started laughing with my mouth closed.

 

However, my naturally gregarious nature prevented me from turning invisible. But a strong wall of faux-masculinity, insults and eye-rolling got me through my teenage years relatively unscathed in regards to my homosexuality. At 19 I was arrested in a raid of a gay bar. The police gave me two options: pay a $1000 fine or have my name printed in the newspaper as a homosexual. I refused to pay the fine and hired a lawyer instead.

 

years later I fell in love with a single dad with a five year old son. Ah the scandal of two men raising a child! "A child needs the love only a mother can provide." was whispered in my ear more than once.

 

So here I am at 45 and I've gone from a secret gay, to sexual outlaw, to pioneering "gay dad", to über-gay Miamian. Then suddenly I'm legally married in 12 of the United States. The last part occurring between 9:59AM and 10:00AM on June 26th 2013. Talk about going from interesting to boring in the time it takes to figure out a Supreme Court decision.  The long fight to be boring. My husband and I have worked on numerous campaigns, suffered defeats, have given time and money in the fight to be boring.  The fight to be mundane, to protect our property, to protect our son, to protect ourselves.

 

To have a boring existence where you don't have to explain to a nurse who you are in relation to the patient. To live in an existence where your property can't be taken away from you by the government or greedy relatives should you or your spouse die or become incapacitated.

 

To live in a boring world where you know your child won't be taunted, teased or sidelined because he has two dads.

.

Safe is boring, Certainty is boring. Longevity is boring. Legal commitment is boring. Having the same rights and responsibilities as everyone else is boring. I want to be boring. I want that for me and for Florida and all people who want to be treated equally.

 

Now I realize there is a lot of work left to do. Yet words such as "elevated" and "dignity of individuals" and "equality" all used by the Supreme Court of the United States in reference to lesbians, gays and their children, makes me glad to be part of that long fight to be boring.

 

All in all the battle for boring has been exciting. I am looking forward to being boring just like everyone else.