ON YOUR LEFT!!! MS 150 Breakaway to Key Largo

A few months ago Jose, my barber, showed me his new bike. It was a sleek road bike with a carbon fiber frame that was white, black and neon green. Just beautiful.  He asked me to lift it and all 13lbs of carbon fiber, steel and aluminum caused my heart to melt. Since then I've had some serious bike envy.  That bike inspired me to ride in South Florida's premier bike event: the MS 150 Breakaway to Key Largo. The event was last weekend.

Prior to the ride, I collected a few intrepid bikers to ride the ride with me.  All of us had what in the bike world would be considered "beaters".  Older bikes, hybrids and road bikes that are clearly "recreational" bikes.  I began to see the pecking order of the biking world.

Like any community defined by the machines they use, the pecking order is clear: expensive new bikes at the top, everyone else below.  Concordantly, the nicer and more expensive the bike...the bigger the ego (dare I say: asshole) who rides it. Let's get one thing clear, the MS is a RIDE, not a race. Which is open to ALL cyclists regardless of bike or ability. You pay your entry fee, you raise $400 for a good cause and you ride.  No Lycra, no carbon fiber frame or Shimano Dura Ace components required.

So our intrepid little band started the ride and happily pedaled away at the leisurely pace of 15 to 18mph.  We thought we were towards the back of the ride as the faster cyclists, teams and groups were to the front. We were wrong. As we laughed and sang our way along 80 miles of Florida roads through suburbs, farm fields and mangrove, groups of "elite" riders would pass us(wait weren't we in the back?) and literally scream "ON YOUR LEFT!!!" in my ear.

Next year pink bicycle lady "on your left" will be me!



What kind of jerk yells at someone putting along on a country road which is deserted and closed off for the "ride". Go around...there's nobody here but you and me and an empty road.  One person yelled at me while I was resting on the side of the road not even moving. ON YOUR LEFT she screeched from her $3000 10lb pink Quintana Roo road bike, followed by a peloton of 20 bikers wearing acres of matching Lycra spandex shorts. (Rest assured very few people can pull that look off very well.)

So we finished our ride and as we walked away a "biker prince" said to my friend in a halfway rude, halfway pick up line kinda way "you rode 80 miles on THAT?"  Yes we replied, surprisingly her bike was the most "road" of all the bikes we had. She had tricked it out with some cool leather handle grips. We still couldn't figure out if he was just not good at conversing or a jerk.

 

So despite the "elite" riders, the RIDE (not a race) was amazing. The chance to see parts of my community from the best vantage point possible, on a bike.  America's winter garden in South Dade, Everglades, Mangrove swamps, waterways just pedaling away for a good cause.  It was fun, it was healthy and it felt good to push ourselves beyond what we thought we were capable of.

The MS 150 Breakaway to Key Largo was awesome fun.  Yeah it hurt physically. Yeah, my ego took some serious bruising not having some sleek road machine. Like showing up to the Indy 500 in an AMC Rambler.  Ouch, each time some jerk yelled ON YOUR LEFT! not as a safety warning but as a victory cry. I was glad to help our for a worthy cause. I was glad to challenge myself to something extraordinary and survive. Next year, I will be the one screaming ON YOUR LEFT!

 

 

The New "Normal"(Gay Pride redux 2013)

Crazy weekend past. I was swamped with Gay Pride, attending a wedding by two dear friends and executing Miami's Gay Swim team float.  After last year's debacle at gay pride, I was sure the Nadadores, colloquially known as the "Nads", would represent this year. Even if it was just me wearing my Speedo's.

 

But I'll get back to the Parade soon.  First I want to briefly describe the lovely wedding I went the night before. Two friends from the swim team finally tied the knot.  Attractive, successful these two are the poster boys for Marriage Equality. More importantly the ceremony was both poignant and beautiful. Set on a beachside terrace at a South Beach hotel the wedding guests sat outside waiting for the couple to walk down the aisle. Attending were both men's families (a Mexican and a Argentinian union). There was crying, there were flower girls, there were mothers-in-law and it all seemed so lovely, beautiful, exactly the way a wedding should be. Hotel guests could see  from the beach and pool the wedding going on. Strangely, there seemed no reaction to see these two striking men walking down the aisle.  Tears, dancing, love....the new normal.

 

So, the next day I'm scrambling to find hot young guys to be on the swim team float for  Miami Beach Gay Pride.  This year's crop of swimmers are a far cry from what the team had when I started swimming five years ago. (See "Gay Swim Team blog 6/12/08).  While the team has  it's fair share of hot young gay guys, the demographics have switched up a bit.  Now there are significantly more women, parents,seniors and oddly, straight young male professionals. Who, much to the chagrin of the gay guys, are actually extremely attractive.  

 

As I cast out calls for people to be on our float, of course I was hoping the hot young ones would heed the call. But like anything young and pretty, they need to wooed, begged and convinced that strutting themselves in a Gay Pride parade in Speedos is not going to make them seem uncool and/or slutty.  That somehow if their young nubile male flesh exposed to the world (they are on a swim team after all!) would make them damaged goods on Grndr or some other social media outlet.  That somehow being seen on a Gay Pride float in a pool would make them seem.......god forbid...."un masc"(non-masculine).

2010 Young hot and wet.....

The straight guys, the women, their kids, the seniors were like "hell yeah" let's do it! That's the new normal.  Yes we had a few young hotties on the float. What shocked me was that we had a lot of older ones too. There were kids (youngest was 3), there were women, and there were seniors: oldest person on float was 71. No, it wasn't the hot young crew we had in year's past. But isn't that the new normal?  Isn't that what we want for our community? That an event called Gay Pride, can hopefully be called "community pride".    An event that in the past (in other cities) that was known for R-rated frottage in public by people in just the minimal amount of leather clothing is now known for PG-13 strippers dressed as firemen and churches' bringing their entire youth groups to march in support of marriage equality.

That our allies, their families, our seniors are there for us.  Holding our hands, standing by our sides, in Speedos on a float and saying yes, I will be there for you. I want for your family the protections that I have. I am glad to see that too.....is the new normal.

2013 Diverse hot and wet



Visit the website nadadores.org

Before the (Gay) Parade Passes By,

It's Gay Pride time in Miami again and of course I feel like writing my annual "angry gay" column. I've just spent an evening with several bickering homosexuals, a homosexual ally and two 14 year old girls.  The teens and I danced to gay anthems while the rest of them bickered of Gay Pride signage.  My slogans were: "Can't Pray Away the GAY" and "Fabulous by Choice, Gay by the Grace of God". There were several others as well.

That being said, I'm not going write the "angry gay" Pride column. I really want people to understand why this event is important to gay identity.  Why we do this. Is seems frivolous,  pointless even.  It's core roots forgotten and it's overt sexuality misunderstood. Why do gays want this, why do we NEED this and why it might all just go away.

At it's core it's a protest.

How do you piss off a nun? Well I know from experience, not much. However, to really anger a "moral" "God fearing Christian" you wiggle your firm male buttocks in their faces to thumping dance music. It get's them fired up, angers them, forces them to pray....pray hard. Even if you're 2000 miles away in San Francisco, your hot bod is going anger someone in Tupelo, Mississppi at the Family Research Council. Really piss them off. 

It's a protest about moral oppression. Back in the day, the Stonewall riots lasted for three days. Gays were tired of being brutalized and humiliated by police.  It's a protest about societal rules that kept gay sex hidden, in the darkness,  where someone's natural inclinations were to be ashamed of.  To the point somebody would wish you incarcerated, hospitalized or dead.  It's about taking that shame and shining it in the sunshine and say....no, I won't hide anymore, my love, my body, my person. 

This is the kind of thing that pisses off the biblicals

It's a Celebration!

The media says it, we know it. No other movement has come so far so fast. This year 2013 could be the chance that marriage equality could become real for all. In 50 years we have moved from the fringes of society. Arrested, incarcerated, institutionalized for who we were. We can serve openly in the Military! We can marry in several states! Travel companies fight for the gay dollar! 

 Soon we will the most boring neighbors with the nicest begonias and rose bushes on the block.  We will be normal! We will be like the middle class black couple down the street, seemingly out of place, but here nonetheless.  We will become one more denizen of the potpourri of American life...and it will be no big deal.

It's a Remembrance.

600,000 gay men died in the AIDS epidemic.  No other group of people outside of the Vietnam generation can understand what it's like to lose an entire generation of people.  The epidemic taught us the lesson of uniting in the face of adversity, to advocate for ourselves in the face of government oppression, to understand the we, as gays, have something unique to offer this American experience. 

There's no real account of the thousands of teens who have committed suicide because of bullying and non-supportive families. We remember them and fight for the end of intolerance and bullying. It does get better.

Parade beauty queens....that should have been me. 

It's Passe.

Maybe, maybe not.  Aren't all parades passe? When is the last time you went to a parade? All the parades are fading, St. Patrick's Day, Fourth of July, New Year's Day, Orange Bowl.....I remember when Miami had all of those. Why does Gay Pride still bring out over 30,000 people to Miami Beach.  

Younger gays are moving on.  As our battle for rights getting closer to victory, in-your-face displays of homosexual lust seem a bit 20th century. Hot muscular men writhing against each other is just one mouse click away....who needs a parade for it?

  I mean for those of us who grew up playing "smear the queer", the world has moved on to Gay-Straight Alliance clubs, sensitivity courses for bullies and real acceptance in their personal and professional lives.  Gay marriage polls at 80% for those under 30....

Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

Why keep pissing off the nun, when she's already in the Parade?

Before the parade passes by 
Before it goes on, and only I'm left 
Before the parade passes by 
I've gotta get in step while there's still time left 

I wanna hold my head up high 
I need a goal again, I need a drive again 
I wanna feel my heart coming alive again 
Before the parade passes by 

I'm gonna carry on 
Give me an old trombone 
Give me an old baton 
Before the parade passes by

Lyrics by Gerry Herman.

"Thin Places"

Recently my church celebrated a "Celtic lent".  When I was told about this I rolled my eyes and thought "let the white people have their voodoo too."  Next year I hope we have a "Santeria Lent" or an "Afro-Cuban Lent".  That being said, the pastor defended Celtic beliefs and described the concept of "Thin Places". 

Now I know you thought this was going to be another rant about the morbidly obese.  Somehow the concept of "Thin Places" stuck in my head.  In Celtic spirituality, "Thin Places" are places where the wall between heaven and earth are blurred. Where you feel a sense of spirituality, of magic.

I try to be a pragmatic spiritualist. I mean I go to church every Sunday, I have just a bare mustard seed of faith, but it's enough to keep me going to church with a healthy dose of skepticism. Yet I wanted to be a geography major in college because of a love of maps and places. So the concept of "Thin Places" stayed with me.  I knew in my memory that I had experienced such places but couldn't quite remember where.

For Holy Week this year I chose to go to Guatemala. I chose this place because my husband is a devout ex-catholic (like a guy who still loves his ex-wife) and despite being an avowed main-line protestant, the siren call of the mother church still beckons him.  New Pope and all I thought I'd go to the most medieval, über-catholic place I could think of for Holy Week: Antigua Guatemala.

Full disclosure: I lived in Guatemala for several years as a little boy. We arrived in "Guate" as the locals call it with my entire family in tow...2 brothers, mother, niece, husband. I won't get into family dynamics here, but it turned out fine.

Yavin 4, Rebel Base



Our first stop was Tikal.  You might recognize Tikal as the fictional moon of Yavin 4 in Star Wars. Tikal is an ancient Mayan City.....and a Thin Place. Even George Lucas could understand that the "Force" is strong here.  Nestled in a deep jungle with gigantic Ceiba trees which my niece compared to the "Home Tree in Avatar." You trek for a few kilometers through the Jungle and come up to these amazing ancient ruins that were uncovered in the last century and the magic is palpable. Monkeys are the full time residents now but it's not hard to imagine why the Maya picked this place as their capital.  My husband claimed that taking his shoes off in the temple courtyard cured his gout as proof the spiritual power of the place. I think the concept of "Thin Places" best describes the locale. Beyond the majesty of the temples and jungle, a feeling here, a tingling...who knows. But it felt nice.

Tikal circa 2013

Flew back to Antigua, Guatemala for the second part of the vacation. Antigua is the old capital of Guatemala. It was abandoned in the 1500s after a series of earthquakes rocked the city.  Also I think the Guatemalans realized that the valley was going to be too small for a capital city. Yet they managed to build 35 churches, monasteries and convents.  Antigua's Holy Week is famous for its "carpets".  Every day during holy week there is a procession of Jesus. Passion Plays are acted out across the town. Celebrants come from around region to participate. Antiguans lay out amazingly detailed "carpets" made from colored sawdust, flowers, and fruits for the processions to cross upon.  During this time, I believe, Antigua becomes a "Thin Place." Tens of thousands of indigenous people come to celebrate their faith. 

I don't think so many religious sites concentrated in a such a small area is an accident.  A lush valley in the shadow of three volcanoes, one named "Fuego" which belches smoke and lava on a daily basis, how can it not be a "Thin Place"?  Spiritual centers must be drawn to some type of feeling or energy or beauty. There must be something in the geography that tells humans....this is a special place. This is a place of worship.  This is a little piece of heaven. I'm happy to say Thin Places exist. I found mine in the Jungles, mountains and volcanoes of Guatemala.

Ceiba or "home tree"?

Working "Out"

 

Sorry woman, I'm just not feelin' it.

 

I have been a fully realized gay since I was 13. I remember the day like yesterday.   I had looked at a pornography stash that I stole from my older brother I went to pages with nude women. I looked at the female form and looked again, and looked again....nope...no reaction.  Nothing, like looking at a ham sandwich, no I actually like ham sandwiches. There was no reaction.  There was no panic, no despair...it was a moment of realization and then I moved on. In fact, I was disappointed I couldn't admit it and have a big drama scene over it.

 

Fast forward 30 years and I'm still not out to clients. Usually this is not an issue. I rarely spend more than a few hours with them and most of the interactions are on the phone so it doesn't come up. I also like to talk about my son, which totally throws off the whole "gay" vibe that I give off.  However I have been hanging out with different clients at conferences and it's becoming awkward.

 

What? You can't see me? I'm behind the gay aura

I'd like to think I radiate "gay".  That there's a rainbow aura that emanates from my pores. A Rupaulness that says "sashay away."  However I realize to some people I'm not as gay as I hoped to be.  It's a bit uncomfortable. I mean I really like these people and in some cases I'm spending several days with them at conferences and workshops. When the conversation comes around to the personal I find myself using neutral terms like "spouse" instead of husband.

 

Red BMW 1 convertible, gay much?

Then I use the whole kid thing as a great "equalizer" with my clients. I mean one way to build common ground with others is the sharing of parenthood tribulations.  But like all things associated with me that I call "gay" I call myself a "gay-dad", I had a "gay-wedding", I drive the "gayest" car. My home is appropriately fabulous, at least I try to make it as gay as possible. I mean I don't have a phallic object 'd art in every corner, but there's a six by ten foot painting of Judy Garland in my living room.

 

What I don't do is call myself a "gay-salesperson" or "gay-territory manager".  It's not relevant in business. However, many relationships begin in the business world and bleed into others. How often have we spent four days at a conference and by day four have created a new friend.  When is it necessary to shed that professional identity and let the personal one take over. I like a lot of my clients I know many who would not be comfortable with a gay man, but the others who would be happy to see me take off that business suit and show just a little of my rainbow aura.

"Sashay away"

 

OMG, did you mean BLACK people?

"Petrolero!"

So we're talking about a friend's new boyfriend which no one has met yet.  Subtly my Cuban friend takes his right index finger and rubs it back and forth on the soft spot between his left thumb and finger.... the other Cuban guys squeal "OMG you mean he's BLACK.?"

 

"Gurl, don't you know it." He replies.  "A total petrolero."

 

"avanzando la raza"

I'm sitting in a community meeting for one of the more upscale neighborhoods in Miami.  The community activist is discussing the community. He is white.  As he discussing different areas of town he says: "well, there is nothing we can do for that area, it's what we call the uncivilized areas of (insert upscale neighborhood name here).  In my mind I know he's talking about the black and Hispanic area of that upscale neighborhood.

 

 

I'm at a neighborhood gathering in the same upscale neighborhood. This time an elected official states: "I know we're on the East Side because we are drinking and eating on glassware and not paper plates and cups."  In Miami, the East Side neighborhoods tend to be on or close to the waterfront, expensive and white and Hispanic.

 

I'm at a meeting for the improvement of Morningside Park.  A very old white lady states: "We need to close this city park (one of the oldest and loveliest in the city) and keep those "ethnics" out of our neighborhood."

 

"beautiful 3bed 2 bath in the uncivilized west side"

In the previous examples there was some strange commonality. In each case the groups were either liberal, gay or Democratic.  The affluent areas discussed are overwhelmingly diverse with no plurality of whites, Hispanics or Blacks.  So to hear no sense of hesitation when other groups are disparaged, called "uncivilized" is surprising. One thing is to joke among friends about somebody dating a black man. Fine, most of the guys at the table had at one time or another done it. Yet, to sit in a community meeting with a group of strangers and call a whole neighborhood "uncivilized" or trying to "keep those ethnics out" is ridiculous, sad and retrograde. Most of the people making these statements were of my generation or older.

 

In Miami it's been awhile since I've heard the coldness of white people racism. When it comes from old white folks there seems to be a sharpness to it I can't describe.  When Latinos speak about racism against blacks it's coached in humorous giggles but just as condescending. As someone who is half of one and half of the other, I find both offensive.  

 

I, like everyone, am guilty of racist thoughts and comments.   I even make them around black colleagues and friends. They are too polite to call me on it.  Gotta work on that too.....

 

 

You Don't Look Like.....

One of the joys of aging in this modern society is that change is inevitable.  We age, our experiences change us and who you look at now, might not be the same person you met five years ago. In fact you might not look like the person people think you are.

 

"Can you pinch an inch?"

Let's just begin with our bodies, we get fat, we get thin, we grow muscles, we get flabby again. I sometimes do this in a week, depending on my mood.  Of course I really mean over time, so like my twenties were yo-yo between fat and thin, but I was definitely "soft" during those years. Thirties were muscles, now my forties I'm more "toned".   But whatever the case, comments like "you don't look like you weigh 200lbs." don't help. I do weigh 200lbs, I have since I was 30. I'm also a 32 inch waist...I was a 36 inch waist in High School.  Notice that I say "I am a 32 inch waist" not "I have a 32 inch waist". Because in America we are our waist size.

 

"You don't look like a diabetic." said the nurse, MD, technician. (translation: You are not fat.)

 

So when my diabetes got out of control (despite regular exercise and a decent diet) I got no sympathy. More than one nurse would say:  "You don't look like a diabetic", "You don't look like you weight 200lbs" "OMG, you're a 32 waist, I don't believe you." The last one was by a store clerk.....she was shocked when the 32 inch 501's made me look hot....bitch....I bought them just to spite her.   So NO, I don't look like a diabetic, I am not some pathetic FAT person.  However, because karma is a bitch she gave me a FAT person's disease.

 

"You don't look Honduran." said the lawyer.



"Tu eres tira flecha!" said the Cuban.

I was serving jury duty and during the void dire (jury selection), the question of whether anybody was Honduran came up. I proudly announced my heritage and birthplace. "But you don't look Honduran."  What, I don't look Mayan? Are all Latinos brown skinned people of indigenous descent? Miss Legally Blond, do you think less of me, why the surprised face and skepticism? Don't just put me in the "white juror" category because of my Anglo first and last name.  Hello, Latinos come in all colors, shapes and forms, even Honduran ones. As a matter of fact I ate a pupusa just last night.

 

 

 

"You don't look 45." say a lot of people younger than 45.

 

I guess in this youth directed culture that is a compliment. I will take it that way. Thanks to the cute 20something waiter that handed me his number the other night, in front of other 20 somethings.  However my youthful, non-botoxed appearance does not deny my experience as a man. I am a parent, I am a professional, I am one HOT DADDY.  I have lived and am not a "boy". 

Tom Ford, hot, mature and "a gay"

 

 

"You don't look like a gay" said the client.

 

Well I'm not sure the use of the article "a" before the word gay is proper usage....because I'm not sure if she had a particular gay in mind.  I mean if she meant Rupaul, no I don't look like "a gay" but if she meant Tom Ford, I'd want to be "a gay."  The fact is I am "a gay" in fact to my friends and family I'd like be THE GAY.  I'd have no problem if my name, like Rupaul's, would be synonymous with gays everywhere.  Things are not what they seem folks.....

 

 

 

"You'd better work....bitch"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Angry Assimilationalists

Happy at the end of that rainbow?

Well it's begun, the "post-gay" era.  We can stop being "gay" and go back to "homosexual".  In popular culture we will begin to disappear and become whitewashed like African-American characters in a network sit-com.  Those characteristics of language, dress, culture will be looked down upon by our assimilated brothers and sisters as "gay ghetto".   We will all strive to be what everyone places as the ideal: the "Midwestern Standard Heterosexual English Speaking White Male" which according to MSNBC is rapidly becoming an endangered species.

 

Finger snapping, calling buddies "gurl" or "girlfriend" will be a no-no.  Assimilated gays will argue for assimilation and say "we're free now" so lets act like boring straight white people. In sit-coms we'll root for the outrageous gay who is set against a "Carleton Banks" like character who shows us the "right" way to behave. Our assimilated gay culture will look down on gay men who hold on to gay touchstones, mannerisms and culture.  They'll say things like, they'd be more accepted if they'd just stop acting "gay".  "I mean we're free now, throw away all that gayness."

 

Really, would a straight guy paint this?

While there is nothing inherently better about "gay" culture per se, there beautiful things that grow from human oppression.  Gays, like other oppressed groups have created a sensibility that help them deal with being treated as "less than".  Fashion, music, design and art pull from the pain of isolation and create a "better world" for those of us who can't or don't want compete in a hyper-masculine world.  This fusion and blending of gender roles allow for new exciting trends in popular culture that may be unimaginable if not for a gay sensibility. It would be a pity to see all that just thrown aside for the privilege of being "one of the boys".

 

We are rapidly approaching a post-gay era and the culture is changing around us and we are adapting to the new changes.  From younger gays who have grown up in a more tolerant society question the need for things like Gay Pride Parades and organizations that cater to gays and lesbians.  The constant refrain is "we're just people, like everyone else. I don't want to be defined by who I have sex with. I'm just me, not just gay."  It's a sweet sentiment.  This rush to dismantle a movement that has had such success in an incredibly short amount of time is a bit strange and self-defeating.

 

This whole "I've got mine" attitude, apart from being selfish, assumes you actually have what you want. Also assumes that homophobic attitudes would not resurface, that while a large population is in favor of gay rights and significant minority is not.  Ask any black man if racism has gone away, look at incarceration rates for blacks in America and ask yourself if there is still racism.  

 

#masc4masc

Inside the (formerly) gay community hostility towards "gay acting" will increase. Already you see a demand for "masculine" men.  #masc4masc is the refrain on dating and hook-up sites, so to be desirable you must be athletic, beer drinking and know about sports.  Gay men will be held to the same strictures as straight ones. The gay exploration of what "manhood" really is, as to what masculine really is would probably stop.   Understanding that "manhood" and "masculinity" are just distantly connected.

 

I am excited and depressed about the coming changes. At last I won't worry about things like inheritance, taxes, benefits that are given exclusively to heterosexual couples.  Yet, I don't want to give up the need to feel outrageous, fabulous or different.  I AM different, my sexuality colors the way I see men, women, beauty, and life.  To say I'm just a person is fine....to say I'm a fabulous GAY person is just so much more fun.

 

 

Gay Wedding Redux

So, when are you really gonna get married?

Ahhh I just went to the most beautiful wedding.  It was two young men getting married after being together for several years.  There was pomp and circumstance. Flowers, food, dancing and love, in fact if it weren't for the two grooms, the wedding could've been conceived by a bunch of giggly 16 year olds and some very smart old ladies for a young bride and groom anywhere and in any era. During the processional the grooms were preceded by adorable flower children and a host of groomsmen and groomswomen all fresh and beautiful in their early 20s.  Rented tuxedoes, lovely gowns graced church's historic apse and all was right with love.....except for me.

 

I was very excited to attend this "gay" event. The whole church had been invited and there was great anticipation held by all.  I had spent a few days picking out outfits for my HUSBAND and I. When we approached the church the crowd was entering and I said hello to a church friend, she replied: "when are you two going to tie the knot?" 

 

This woman has known my HUSBAND and me for several years and should have known better. I replied "we are married, we were married in California in a civil ceremony."

 

Her response: "but that's not a REAL wedding, you know what I mean."

 

In truth the wedding I was attending was not a "real" wedding in any sense of the word. I mean it carries no legal standing anywhere. It is not recognized by my state or my country. This wedding doesn't confer any of 1,138 privileges guaranteed by the federal government to heterosexual married couples. Two people who know us asked me that question that night.

 

To the second person who asked, I said the wedding would have a circus theme, everyone would be dressed like clowns and theme song would be "Send in the Clowns". Or something nautical with gay synchronized swimming. Crap, they want a "gay wedding" I sure as hell am going to give it to them.

 

Yet OUR simple ceremony witnessed by our son, my parent, and close friend, using a bible, which granted our relationship equal status under God and the laws of the Great State of California is not "real".  My HUSBAND and I have fought hard for the right to be equal under the law. We have given thousands of dollars and volunteered hundreds of hours for the hope that our real California marriage will become real and legal for us everywhere.

 

This idea because we as the LGBT community have not invited you to our wedding, to our "coming out", that you did not witness the birth, growth, and graduations of our children that they didn't happen.   That we lived in one big disco until you befriended us and assigned all the half-truths and ignorance that you believe of us.  Yes, we are married, legally even, we have taken care of each other for almost two decades. Have careers, raised kids.  

 

My HUSBAND an I are 45.  For the last 17 years we have lived, we have loved, and yes, we are MARRIED!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(fuck you old straight lady)

Enemies

Yes, of course you're fat, as a gay man I cannot lie.

You know at some point in your 40's, and I'm at the halfway point, you collect enemies.  My enemies are generally people I've insulted after a few drinks. By insults, I generally told them a truth, which they found too hard to take and then when I tried to apologize they lashed out in anger....and hence became my enemies. The hard part of the group I just mentioned is that I still have to deal with them on more than one occasion. Some of them have been mentioned in this very blog. (http://miamiafter40.blogspot.com/2011/01/is-fat-the-new-fuck.html).

There are other enemies too, people who've hurt me along the way through cruelty, mental illness or maliciousness. Those enemies come to me at weak points, where their humiliations, put downs or anger come to me on restless nights, low points or days when I've forgotten to renew my prescription for Xanax. Usually those enemies are just in my head and have long since move out of my life.  But they haunt me because I ceded the battlefield to them and spend a lifetime trying to let go, forgive and forget.   (http://miamiafter40.blogspot.com/2009/12/descent-into-madness.html)

You might think the enemies in the first group would be the harder to deal with. After all they are still in your life and thus you must constantly try not to engage them. Sadly, most of my enemies are women, or gay men and you can read into that what you want.  Another thing I want to state is that very few of my enemies are fat (with one exception) and one has put on a lot weight recently, which makes me happy. The German word is schadenfreude which means joy in someone else's failure. Fat is a failure folks. All of my enemies are white, since we white folks (today my Anglo side is speaking) and I hate like white people.  

Did you steal my wedding gifts?

How white people hate:  Condescension. Unlike my Latin side, which is all heat,emotion and passion, my white side hates like ice.  It’s the kind of cold that if you touch it will damage skin. It's a narrow squint in the left eye that just stares unblinkingly.  It's a passive aggressive hate which leaves short, well timed phrases guaranteed to stir doubt about your enemy among those who associate with them. Whispered comments like "she sure like's her gin" and "she just can't quite seem to get it together."  It's the "oh how nice to see you," with your nose scrunched up like somebody farted. It's addressing your enemy only when they're seated and you're standing, that's condescension. Be aware when a white person says "oh don't get up," high ground gives advantage.  White enemies don't forget, we nurse past slights and wait for occasions like Thanksgiving to throw them into the mix. I'm still waiting for that apology from my stepmother for accusing me of stealing her wedding gifts 20 years ago.....at some point I'll bring it up....but the right moment has come up yet...

I said: BRRR it's cold in here!

I don't really have any advice to give. I often hear "move on, forgive". Yes, forgive and forgive, whatever.  Enemies come with life, like wrinkles and grey hair.  In some cases you hold them close because you know they keep your life interesting. Other times they are a burden and weigh you down.  You might think you don't have any enemies.....but you do.  Out there are people who don't like you, not just a passive dislike....but a "I will CUT her" kind of dislike.  It might be someone you hardly know or a wicked stepmother. In any case they are yours....and enemies make you stronger, more interesting. If they don't.....find better enemies. 

Can You See Us Now America?

Yeah, but they vote as we learned on Election day. 

As a bi-cultural person, half white, half Latino, the first thing I notice about white people in general is that they don't see brown people.  Really, they don't.  Kinda the way that you don't see, maids, or doormen or refrigerators, or toasters on kitchen counters.  White people see black people.  There is a mix of emotions that whites have for blacks, fear and guilt being part of that mix, whatever. But my white friends and relatives outside of Miami really don't see Latinos beyond Mexican lawn men. White people also get upset at Latinos who don't want to be lawn men. One day my Cuban husband came home upset one day because during a board meeting, as a joke, the company VP pointed to the gardeners working outside the conference room and said to him: "You're lucky you're not out there with them." Everyone in the meeting laughed. He just happens to be a nuclear chemical engineer. 

But blacks and whites really don't see Latinos. Until this Election Tuesday. For years smart white politicians like Jeb Bush, John McCain and Marco Rubio have been saying, ignore Latinos at your own peril.  Well the old white men who run the Republican party just opened their eyes and saw brown for the first time. White men could always look to Miami Cubans and say "hey, but the Cubans vote for us!"  But two days ago, 47% of Cubans voted for the incumbent http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/11/07/3086875/cuban-american-support-for-obama.html.  I think Cubans, like all other Latinos can read between the lines about things like "self-deportation" and laws that are passed to make Latino looking people walk around with "proof of citizenship."

When I say I was born in Honduras, to a Honduran mother, they say, "you're not Latino, you have blue eyes!"  Well, in all honesty, Hondurans say that too.  Yet my point is, that my heart is very latino, and that all brown people are not lawn workers and maids. That we do not all come from Mexico. That we are diverse, we are beautiful in our shortness, our browness, in our Latinoness.(Yeah, we can be tall and blond and blue eyed too.)  We are a hard-working, growing group in these United States. We got this President elected, same as we will the next one.

Can you see us now America?

Taking Our Country Back! or are we?

"We're gonna take our country back." I've heard this phrase from several friends, colleagues and crazies in the last few months.  I know America is in election mode and among "fellow travelers" this phrase provides some kind of comfort, that after the election we'll return to that safe familiar dream of our country as we would have it....in our fantasies. 

June had a sharp look....rock the pearls!

While I understand that the idea behind the phrase is about winning, but to me it's about so much more, and not in a good way.  It's presumptuous and assumes that the side that's not in control of the House, Senate or White House is a loser and that this country has been "taken back" from them.   While I may disagree wholeheartedly with many of the policies of the opposition, they are supported by my co-workers, friends, family and neighbors.  Those opinions help them organize their lives and worldview, and in there are wishes for a simpler, easier time. This conservative idea to "take back" America to some wistful fantasy that only existed in Leave It To Beaver. Do we want to go back to the man in the gray flannel suit? Although I admit, June Cleaver could rock those pearls and cashmere. 

Take America back to this?

For Liberals it may have been the late 70's, when the sexual revolution was at it's peak and women and minorities were breaking out of traditional roles and escaping stereotypes. They were building on the foundations of the civil rights movement that had occurred a little more than decade before. But really, does anyone really want to go back to bad 70's fashions?

When you ask about "taking back" America for yourself  what does it mean? To me there are these ideals of America that we learned in citizenship class in 1st or 2nd grade: fairness, opportunity, strength, equality. Then  the personal America: Personal success, optimism, family, love, national pride, achievement through hard work.   

Yet despite these great ideals there is the my ambivalent or cynical view of America: guilt about homelessness, world hunger, poverty, violence, drug use, racial inequality, gender inequality, wealth inequality. A sense perhaps that my second grade ideals don't match up with the reality and promise of America and that I'm not doing my part to make my country a "more perfect union".

So no, I don't want to "take America back". I'm thinking that I want to take America forward. Work on things my friends, neighbors, colleagues, can agree on. Perhaps reduce homelessness or hunger? Figure out real solutions to end poverty, like keeping kids in schools. Maybe just trying harder to be a better neighbor and pick up after my dog more. I don't know, but I know it must start on a small scale.....and then maybe we can take America forward.....together. 

The Politics of Defriending (it's not you, it's me, but maybe it's you)

So here we are just weeks away from the Election and I have only defriended ONE person.  Which is amazing for me because I do go through rabid defriending binges at least once or twice a year. However in this political season I'm proud to have only defriended one person for political reasons.

Now I realize that with 350 friends, there are a few Republicans in there, and they would would be loathe to put their party propaganda on my page, and I thank them for not doing so.  However, there is one group of Republicans I have disdain for: Log Cabin ones. 

But it leaves such a bitter after -taste

Sigh, Log Cabin Republicans.....as a gay man I should embrace all the diversity of the rainbow flag: Black, Latino, Asian, gayness in its myriad forms. To the effeminate man who collects Lladro, and the big muscular leather queen, I should embrace you. I should welcome all of my brothers into the big bear hug of gayness. I should be inclusive and tolerant.  I want to think that we all have common cause in our struggle for equality.

Yet alas, I can't feel that way about Log-Cabin Republicans.  Don't get me wrong,  I have no problem with other Republicans. The heterosexual housewife in Houston, the banker, even my real-estate agent are all dyed-in the wool Republicans and embrace many values that I wholeheartedly disagree with.  I find I can be accepting and loving of all of them.  Yet, no matter how hard I try, I cannot fully embrace a Gay Republican.

I don't know why, but they just make me feel icky. They spout off about "waiting our turn" for equal rights, or "it's not time yet." Worse they tell me, and use religious language about how wrong gay-marriage is. Really?  These are guys who advocate "acting straight" and "try to fit in."  You know acting straight and fitting in is a form of oppression I don't embrace.  Uncle Tom's Log Cabin if you ask me. 

Then they get all hurt and say "what about your Liberal tolerance? You're supposed to love my gayness." I may be liberal, but I don't have to tolerate assholes gay or non-gay who don't agree with my hope to be an equal citizen someday. Especially assholes who should be embracing myself, my relationship and my family.  There is no evidence whatsoever that gays in the GOP have made a single iota of difference in the anti-gay stance of the Republican party.  To me it seems self-hating. 

Yeah, argue about smaller government,entitlements and less regulations all you want, you can do that as an Independent, Libertarian or even as a Democrat. The anti-gay measures and rhetoric in the Republican party indicate some form of self-shame, Mr. Log Cabin Republican, but also shame of the gay part of me as well. No, I don't think we can be friends and I'm not sorry. 

You know what? I don't have to give a reason, it's my Face Book page. Defriended. 

Miami Lesbians.........No Degree of Separation.

Being the gay man about town, some people ask me about what's up for lesbians in Miami. To be honest I have no real idea what lesbians really do. I put down my own observations (based on limited personal experiences). 

"Why did you put her in my lane!?!" the athletic lesbian swimmer said to me, "Don't you know she's my girlfriend's ex!?!" I should have consulted the Miami Lesbian Ex-girlfriend chart before I put two sisters of sappho in the same lane together.    Yes, I should have known, because in Miami there are only about 30 lesbians altogether, maybe there are 50, but I'm sure there are less than 75. Also, at some point they were all girlfriends with one another. No, not "we went out on a few dates," not "yeah, we met at a party and hooked up."  No, a full fledged 3 week relationship that included countless hours on the phone, texting and processing with each other. In each case it ended badly and all that was left was bitterness and "now she's just somebody that I used to know."

I am no expert on the state of sapphic affairs in this urban paradise, but I know a few girls who wear sensible shoes in my town and I think Miami offers a different take on girls who like girls.  It's not quite what you'd expect.  Plus there are some lesbian poseurs in Miami which often fool you into thinking there are more grrrls out there than there really are. So I thought I'd drop a few hints how to separate the women from the womyn. 

1. First, all Miami lesbians know each other. If you want to discreetly find out if a local girl is a lesbian, just drop the name of another lesbian and ask her if she dated her.  Start simple: "Do you know Ingrid or Belkys?" If the answer is "yes" she's a lesbian. 

2. Yoga is a lesbo magnet. More than four classes a week: Lesbian. Unclogging chakras is just a euphemism for cunnilingus.

3. Latina lesbians are fierce, no really they're fierce, they will cut you. Just ask Ingrid from question one.

4. There's a joke in the lesbian community: how many break-ups does it take a lesbian to move on? Answer: move on? we're not done processing yet. 

5. Miami lesbians do not adhere to any particular lesbian uniform outside of the yoga studio.  They are lipstick, I've never seen any Miami lesbian in Birkenstocks or Doc Martens. 

6. The tragedy of the lesbian community in Miami is that there seems to be so few, and most them just blend in with the rest of us.  There doesn't seem to be enough to create a critical mass to maintain a club or gathering place where they can all meet....so they're left just dating "somebody that I used to know" that they met at a lesbian pot luck. 

Aquagirl: "who's gonna buy me a drink?"

7. Or girls can wait for the big once a year Aquagirl party week.  Womyn who love women come to Miami  from all over the world once a year for bacchanalia and portable relationships which can be processed via text and cell. You go grrrls!

Mostly lesbians just blend in. In Miami There are no lesbian ghettos, or even areas with a higher concentration of them.  I remember when my husband and I were raising our son in West Dade.  We were surrounded by many Lesbian moms. No one even noticed...but they always remembered the "gay dads".  In suburbia they are just another housefrau doing errands. Which is probably the way they want it.